The Art of Balance

In yoga, we practice balance in nearly every asana. The word “asana” in sanskrit is often translated as “pose” or “posture.” I’ve been thinking about balance a lot lately and at 57 years old, I think I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I’m not very good at balance. Oh, I can hold many poses standing on one leg for a long time and you’d probably think I am great at balance but I cannot seem to figure it out when it comes to living life. I’ll explain.

Restlessness

I suffer from “shining object syndrome.” Some of you may know what this struggle feels like: you discover something new and veer off on that path for a while until something else shiny distracts you and off you go again. But for me this doesn’t just stop with shiny objects, I’m not satisfied until I achieve some crazy ideal I’ve created in my head. That means I’m on constantly starting something new with a vision of what I want to achieve and I hold onto that for a while. Then the shiny thing comes along and I realize I’m nowhere near my insane goal so I give up and start a new thing. Can I just say that this is exhausting?

Coming back to this idea of balance. What I’m starting to do is notice when I feel that inner restlessness or when I’m on a certain path and something shiny shows up. Simply noticing that tendency to want to run and grab the shiny thing can be super challenging. I try to breathe and check in to what’s going on, and usually I can tell that what I really want is to be okay with myself just as I am…without the shiny thing or the insane goal. It’s very difficult to be that vulnerable with myself but just as with anything, it takes practice.

Impatience

There’s a voice in my head that’s constantly asking, “Why is this taking so long?” Or it can get nasty, “Why haven’t you achieved this yet? You’re so lazy!” I’m sure you know this voice. I call it Veronica because I had an aunt by that name who was a very scary woman. Veronica is impatient and she wants things her way NOW. She causes me a lot of stress and anxiety (much like my aunt did). Veronica has no idea what the word “balance” means.

By listening to Veronica and believe her, I’ve caused myself and those I love a lot of suffering. Again, I’ve had to notice when Veronica starts with her demands. I notice it in my body first: my shoulders get stiff, my stomach gets balled up in knots, and my head hurts. By listening to my body, I can become more aware of my tendency toward impatience. I can focus on how far I’ve come rather than how far I have to go. I can be thankful for what I have rather than what I don’t have. I can be kind to myself rather than beat myself up. All of this makes Veronica bored, she quiets down, and things come into balance.

Control

My childhood environment was very chaotic. To survive that, a need to control things emerged within me and for a while I felt safe and in balance. Funny thing is if you live in this world, you realize real quick that control is a myth. My children taught me the biggest lesson about control in that the more tightly you try to grip onto something and control it, the worse you make things. I tried so hard to make everything perfect that it nearly killed me. I suffered from horrible panic attacks that I couldn’t even go outside without feeling like I was dying. No balance whatsoever.

I discovered that I could not control a single thing, except my response to what was happening. Sometimes I feel like I’m in balance here and I can allow whatever is going on to just be without trying to control it. Other times, I fall apart. And that’s balance. I’ve discovered that it comes and goes. You don’t “achieve” balance and you’re done. You work with it as life happens.

It’s a never ending cycle of checking in, noticing what’s going on, deciding how to respond to it, and maybe you’re in balance. Maybe you’re not. So, begin again.